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27 February 2007 @ 02:01 am
My food addiction.  
Yes I am addicted to food just as I am addicted to love, or anything else in life that makes me feel good. It really pisses me off. When is it ever going to change, when am I ever going to change or will I just continually gain weight gradually over the next unknown amount of years of my life just as I have for the past I don't know, maybe 14 years. Ever since my first experience in the sexual realm with a partner. I felt I was being adult to ask my mother to go ahead with the recommended birth control for which I was prescribed by the gyn to take to regulate my irregular cycles. Point blank I told my mother, matter of factly even, that I intended to have sex and would do so whether I was safe or not and I'd rather be safe, so for the safety's sake - please with all due respect dearest mother - allow me to take Birth Control. Hitherto we cut to the following years of weight gain, p.m.s., post-partum depression for which I was accused of being addicted to pills because of by an ex-husband that thought I were addicted if I merely took an anti-imflamatory pill to help with a headache upon occasion. Further depression due to the subsequent weight gain and feeling unworthy of a sexual partner, unworthy of having a faithful spouse, ecetera ecetera ecetera.

Even as I write this my stomach feels full from the frozen coke my husband brought home for me, oh - and the two cans of Chef Boyardi ravioli that we both had while we watched tonights episode of Heros. Oh and what about the entire package of sugar-free Red Vine licorice. What about the rest of the day? Should I name off the other things I've eaten today, the cereal, the apple, the three bologna and cheese sandwiches on wheat, oh and the other bowl of cereal. What am I forgetting, oh yes - I ate a mini-bag of popcorn earlier while my daughter and I watched Disney made-for-tv movies. I'm seeing a definite pattern here of eating and sitting on my ass for long periods of time. Its disgusting, and I feel disgusting, I feel utterly disgusting. I feel really helpless to my cravings for food. I feel like I've been binging for days now. Feeling full and then napping and waking to eat again. I feel numb, and I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. Every time I start something, as in eating healthy, becoming more active, it just ends up this way. Tilting the scale back up as I shove more food into my face despite real achievements in the losing departments in the past. Its like a cycle I get to feeling good, my weight has dropped about 10-15 pounds and then I just say fuck it and I want something, and then that something turns into more somethings, then I'm wanting to stock up on all the "feel-good" foods out there - getting ready for the next fast of not getting to eat those yummy morsels. Its not even chocolate either - I mean, I can take that or leave it. Its real filling food. Any food. Especially sugary chewy sweets. But if I don't have sweets anything will do just as long as I'm stuffing my fat face.

As I said before - truly sickening. I wish I could just sew my mouth shut for a while. Forced reduction of calories. Seriously, someone needs to put a muzzle on me and only allow me liquids. Yummy shakes three times a day. Someone I had no access to would have the key to the muzzle and that's how I would spend the rest of my life, all in the name of losing these dreaded fat rolls on my body. I don't even feel comfortable sitting. Its that bad, I feel like I'm sitting on myself. Its disturbing. Its uncomfortable.

I checked out Medical Weight loss - they want just under $2000 for the program and then the supplements and food would be extra. I'm convinced that nothing works however and that all the money in the world would land me right where I began, sitting here looking pregnant but no babe to show for it. I make me sick.
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cairocandy: miacairocandy on March 9th, 2007 11:42 am (UTC)
Media Propaganda
My dear dear Maiden Force-you are brainwashed by the media and images which are not real. I know this for a FACT. OK. Let's start with fashion magazines-I have watched this during edit-the model's legs are given a 33% stretch-on the graphics program. Virtual "liposucKKKion" is done on the waist-to create one. The bony knees are smoothed out pixel group by pixel group. Almost every single model gets a "thigh cut"-should her hands/feet not be "good"-they are replaced with someone elses. Hair-after photographer has used soft-focus and salon has added extensions-and after first photographer has altered-is again "fixed" before it is okay for magazine....

Then, like in a painting-the hues and other magic tricks are done...all freckles are taken out....models may and I quote, "have pimples because we can fix this." Everything is fake. Ask yourself how many times you have seen a "model" at the mall...I would guess never. This would be because NO MODEL looks remotely like their photos....

Backstage at a fashion-show, NY models, runway. OK. It is like naked boys on crack. (In fact, some are actually boys)-breasts may be taped-no kidding duct-tape-to add curves. Eyelashes and eyebrows are added.

IT is NOT real. Every woman needs to know this. The only actress I ever saw, who actually looks like her pictures is Jodie Foster-and her skin glows-if I can get you a Nicole Kidman picture-not retouched-you would cry-I like her, so I was disturbed....

I also have "body image" problems because we have all been brainwashed. You are curvy. If you want to get thinner, then-this horrible diet works-eat only Dannon coffee yogurt and wheat bread and green tea and 10 glasses of water-eat as much as you want-I swear it works..I bet your hubby has NO problem with your curves.

For God's sake do not pay 2000 dollars! If you want to feel great fnd a photographer who does "romantic" pictures-get a female-get one who will do hair, make-up, outfit, pose and take a shitload of pics (for models they take hundreds to get one) then, you will have a great picture of "you" as a star......lots of love...sandy
MaidenForcemaidenforce on March 10th, 2007 03:01 am (UTC)
Re: Media Propaganda
I do not plan to do this, but I do plan to try your diet, The only thing I must pick up is the Dannon Coffee Yogurt, and I plan on purchasing a new coffee pot and take up an old habit of drinking coffee. Not a bad bad vice, and the caffeine may put a little pep in my step. :P

Hubby says he loves them, but I see how he drools at the porn hehehe, and as a matter of fact, I see what I'm attracted to in real life, and I realized that I'm not attracted to myself!! I should be, I mean I'm alright with myself, but their is wrk to do! So I shall do it. Today has been great, and I am just expecting the best as if I expect it and strive for I am determined I will reach it. I was looking at some pictures of me from a few years ago, namely nudes, and I really liked what I saw - even though at the time I still thought I was overweight, the pictures weren't bad. Anyway - I am so excited for the warmer weather coming soon, and my trip to virginia next month where I'll get a little time sea-side in a cute halter-top swim dress I found online, here is the link to the suit, you must see it, it's rather cute -
here it is
.

I do the grocery shopping tomorrow.