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09 January 2008 @ 10:33 am
HI ALIVE AND WELL...

PLEASE ARCHIVE ENTRIES FOR BOOK NOTES

GOD BLESS

AMERICA/COMING SOON TO A TEATRE--HAHA CAN NOT SPELL

NEAR YOU

US US US

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING
 
 
Current Location: NEAR AWALMART
 
 
02 April 2007 @ 12:47 pm
ALLOW ME TO SAY PLEASE STOP THE FUCKING WORLD FOR ONE MOMENT FOR A REALITY CHECK! I AM SITTING HERE IN NORTH AFRICA AND NOT A HAPPY CAMPER. I AM EATING SHIT AND SAND. LITTLE GIRLS OF EIGHT WORK AS LIVE-IN MAIDS. MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IS INSANE. MY IN-LAWS ARE A CONTINUING PROBLEM. IF I HEAR ONE MORE FUCKING COMMENT AGAINST THE STATES I WILL EXPLODE. I AM HERE BECAUSE I AM FEMALE AND IT IS A LONG STORY THAT I DO NOT HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL. IT ALL BEGINS WITH BEING FEMALE. IT IS TIME TO TAKE BACK WHAT WAS LOST. THAT'S IT. I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE OF THE SANDSTORMS AND THE TEENAGERS SCREAMING IN ARABIC ALL NIGHT AND FIGHTING WITH BOTTLES AND STICKS LIKE THE ASSHOLES THEY ARE. I HAVE LITTLE FIRECRACKERS-TO THROW-BUT I AM TOLD TO BE GOOD. BE GOOD BE GOOD. WELL, FUCK IT. THIS AMERIKA IS PISSED AND PROUD. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
 
 
27 February 2007 @ 02:01 am
Yes I am addicted to food just as I am addicted to love, or anything else in life that makes me feel good. It really pisses me off. When is it ever going to change, when am I ever going to change or will I just continually gain weight gradually over the next unknown amount of years of my life just as I have for the past I don't know, maybe 14 years. Ever since my first experience in the sexual realm with a partner. I felt I was being adult to ask my mother to go ahead with the recommended birth control for which I was prescribed by the gyn to take to regulate my irregular cycles. Point blank I told my mother, matter of factly even, that I intended to have sex and would do so whether I was safe or not and I'd rather be safe, so for the safety's sake - please with all due respect dearest mother - allow me to take Birth Control. Hitherto we cut to the following years of weight gain, p.m.s., post-partum depression for which I was accused of being addicted to pills because of by an ex-husband that thought I were addicted if I merely took an anti-imflamatory pill to help with a headache upon occasion. Further depression due to the subsequent weight gain and feeling unworthy of a sexual partner, unworthy of having a faithful spouse, ecetera ecetera ecetera.

Even as I write this my stomach feels full from the frozen coke my husband brought home for me, oh - and the two cans of Chef Boyardi ravioli that we both had while we watched tonights episode of Heros. Oh and what about the entire package of sugar-free Red Vine licorice. What about the rest of the day? Should I name off the other things I've eaten today, the cereal, the apple, the three bologna and cheese sandwiches on wheat, oh and the other bowl of cereal. What am I forgetting, oh yes - I ate a mini-bag of popcorn earlier while my daughter and I watched Disney made-for-tv movies. I'm seeing a definite pattern here of eating and sitting on my ass for long periods of time. Its disgusting, and I feel disgusting, I feel utterly disgusting. I feel really helpless to my cravings for food. I feel like I've been binging for days now. Feeling full and then napping and waking to eat again. I feel numb, and I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. Every time I start something, as in eating healthy, becoming more active, it just ends up this way. Tilting the scale back up as I shove more food into my face despite real achievements in the losing departments in the past. Its like a cycle I get to feeling good, my weight has dropped about 10-15 pounds and then I just say fuck it and I want something, and then that something turns into more somethings, then I'm wanting to stock up on all the "feel-good" foods out there - getting ready for the next fast of not getting to eat those yummy morsels. Its not even chocolate either - I mean, I can take that or leave it. Its real filling food. Any food. Especially sugary chewy sweets. But if I don't have sweets anything will do just as long as I'm stuffing my fat face.

As I said before - truly sickening. I wish I could just sew my mouth shut for a while. Forced reduction of calories. Seriously, someone needs to put a muzzle on me and only allow me liquids. Yummy shakes three times a day. Someone I had no access to would have the key to the muzzle and that's how I would spend the rest of my life, all in the name of losing these dreaded fat rolls on my body. I don't even feel comfortable sitting. Its that bad, I feel like I'm sitting on myself. Its disturbing. Its uncomfortable.

I checked out Medical Weight loss - they want just under $2000 for the program and then the supplements and food would be extra. I'm convinced that nothing works however and that all the money in the world would land me right where I began, sitting here looking pregnant but no babe to show for it. I make me sick.
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Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
 
 
17 February 2007 @ 09:55 am
Needs a seat right here with "A woman's RAGE!" She is the epitomy of the word rage right now, and yes I am PROUD of her for shaving her head! Its, in my opinion, a courageous thing to do!

There I said it.

Britney I applaud you.
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10 February 2007 @ 08:48 pm
FUCK  
I'm in a shitty mood. Everything is pissing me off. I am angry because its Saturday night and I'm tired, and my husband is at work, and not here. I'm pissed because I'm on about three different sleep schedules. Mine, my daughters and my husbands. I'm pissed because I NEVER get a full nights sleep. I wake constantly. I'm pissed because because... well JUST BECAUSE.

I'm pissed because I feel like I'm constantly explaining myself to no one in particular.

I'm pissed because its been four days since I've smoked, and I want to smoke right the fuck now!

I'm pissed because I am doing well with my nutrition, but I want to eat everything! THAT"S NOT FAIR. I want to NOT want to eat EVERYTHING.

I'm pissed because my dog follows me around lovingly and I cannot even appreciate it right now.

I'm pissed because I asked my son to clean his room this afternoon and he was still working on it this evening and then said he was tired and didn't want to finish! NO - you finish and quit fucking around! Its finally finished.

I'm pissed because I feel like I'm taking my PMS out on my kids and my husband.

I'm pissed because my husband has no idea how to handle me right now.

I'm even more pissed because I have no idea how to handle myself right now.

FUCK

I'm pissed because I danced with a hot blond last night and I didn't even get her number! Yes I'M ALLOWED!

I'm pissed because its fucking cold outside.

I'm pissed because I have to be OUT in the FUCKING COLD TOMORROW.

I'm pissed because I haven't picked up the groceries yet and I HATE SHOPPING FOR GROCERIES.

I'm pissed because I didn't take a shower today.

I'm pissed because I feel like I want to just fucking crawl out of my skin and throw it away.

I'm pissed because I got so drunk last night I was in pain today.

I'm pissed that because of that pain today I didn't take my walk.

I really could go on bitching and bitching.

All of this amounts to a big fat whopping P TO THE M TO THE S.

WHICH means that I'M PISSED THAT I'M NOT PREGNANT.

I'm pissed that I have issues.

FUCK.
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Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
 
 
 
09 February 2007 @ 04:39 pm
I will rage. I am a rolling ball of rage at this point. I want to rage because this is the perfect word to describe the many small-or so they seem-and large-moments women basically swallow, and vomit out later and then get called a "bitch" for-or worse. I want to rage about having to be good. About being told to be good. To be "seen and not heard." I want to be Thelma and Louise and Bonnie and I want to see Hillary pissed off for her husband not keeping his pants zipped. And I want to know why a woman can be called a "whore" and why their is no male word with the same impact. And I want A WOMAN"S RAGE site to get waterwater to make T-shirts which are lavender and read SODEFIE....and I know there is one woman in American who can get him to do this-and it is not me. I want to be able to understand why a woman has to behave? Behave like what? I want to know what would happen in a world where women didn't have to spend a ton of money to look beautiful and where men had to have French manicures and buy imported face cream. I want to drive a Harley. I want to see five more women with a serious attitude on this site this week-because-PMS-is just another word for Permit Me to Say that Perhaps Men Suck! Or many of them. And why did I forget to list ART and BALLET on my favorites list? Because, I have put these loves aside-never put your passions aside to pacify others. I want to admit that I can be Beautiful, ugly, Sweet, bitchy and when I paint my toenails red-it it for me! I want to thank MaidenForce cuz she is a true Force....thank you at 3 am stuck in North AFrica time! SO DEFIE!!!!
 
 
29 January 2007 @ 06:02 pm
Tonight WYXZ talked about people who were living it high and nice on their credit funded by wages in the auto industry. I wonder if more and more people, especially stay at home moms who've thought they've been living it pretty for the past 20 years, are now thinking perhaps it would have been better to buy within our means so that our investment doesn't end up owning US.

Who could foresee these results? Who could have known that investing in a mortgage would be detrimental to their financial health? I know I wish I had solid foundation for my home, but in lieu of this I own a - well I'll put it bluntly - a trailer. 1500 square feet of trailer. Modular home? Mobile home? Planned community? What ever name you want to call my trailer you may, fact of the matter is - underneath these floors I do believe there are reminents if not whole tires. HA! What a tell all that is. My friends I'm telling you this for one reason - I own it. I pay for the land that it sits on - but I own my home. If I chose I could move this home to my own piece of land. I could, if I wanted to that is. The beautiful thing about this is I do not have to pay a mortgage. That is music to my ears. Our car is nearly paid off, and personally I'd rather purchase a used car outright, and not have a car payment then to have to finance a car at all.

People are financing their lives away! How that must feel, to owe until you can't ever imagine owing again. I have debts I can count on one hand now and total no more than 10,000 US dollars. Medical bills are horrendous to the under/uninsured. Its not right I tell you, buying on credit that is. It just isn't right. If you don't have the money - you should not buy it. I think people living in shacks in third world countries are actually better off than the majority of western homes who are in debt up to their proverbial ears. Truly drowning in debt. Everyone always wants the next best thing. Everyone always wants to keep up with their peers not for lack of wanting to use the word "Jones'" .

What does this all mean to me? How does this all effect me personally? I live in one of the wealthiest counties in America. Oakland County Michigan. The majority of the wealth in this district was borne from an Automotive Industry that has over fluffed and over stuffed their executive pockets to the point of extinction. My daughter goes to school with children of these afluent families. While I don't want for things, we have what we need, and we have a few of the extras, I won't have my daughter thinking that just because she can ask for something does not mean that she will get it, even if the other children at school have it already.

I'm sure you can see what I mean. I'm tired of people thinking they deserve something because that's the way its always been. There was a report that people were complaining from Ford Automotive that had they known that they were going to erradicate the daycare program from their employee benefits they would have taken the buyout options that were offered over the passed few years. Please don't let me bother your tears, but can I remind you that it is an elite benefit to have a company PAY FOR daycare for their employees. An elite benefit such as a private jet and these daycare expenses that are weighting these ailing companies down. If you go to the store with a certain amount of money - you buy a certain amount of things, the Automotive Industries Pocket Book is thinning and so should their shopping lists.

End of Story.
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Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: WXYZ News - Channel 7 Detroit
 
 
29 January 2007 @ 03:48 pm
WHO IS WRITING ON "a WOMAN'S RAGE" SITE????

I am - and I am going to figure out how I can allow other people to subscribe and publish to this page as well. I will check this out.
 
 
Current Mood: determineddetermined
 
 
14 September 2006 @ 10:52 pm
This is usually the only topic I get insanely pissed off about - using children as a passive aggressive way to communicate with an ex-spouse. Talking through the kids. She is a fucking coward. She had Allie call Daryn today and ask where her glasses are, unfortunately because her mother insists that the kids go to school in a shit hole of an area I don't have many opportunities to get her over to the eye doctors to have the ALREADY FINISHED eyeglasses that are waiting there for her. Paid for. But she has the nerve to wonder where the glasses are.

I wonder where the money is that I asked her for in writing for her portion of the medical bills that WE HAVE PAID IN FULL. I wonder where the new clothes for the kids for school, or the new shoes are that she should have boughten with her child support money. They are no where. She doesn't know when she can give us any money for the bills that we've paid. She doesn't know a damn thing. She just stumbles over her words and then an hour after we've talked has one of the kids call and do her fucking dirty work for her.

He's on the phone with her right now, I've promised not to talk in the background. He's doing a fantastic job. I am really proud of him. I have a few things I'd like to say to her, but it wouldn't be nice. When I speak to her I have to remind myself that she just doesn't GET IT. He even asked her about meeting us half way for the 60 mile drive we do each week. Or making one of the trips and we'll make the other. I doubt she's going to do anything. He's asking her if she's thought about the letter we wrote to her last week and she doesn't have any response to it. She doesn't want to address it. We are going to have to go through friend of the court I'm afraid. I really don't want to do that. It means missed work for Daryn, and for her too. That is if she is working right now. She brings up the judgment of divorce and says that it states that kids must stay in that district. But that was under different circumstances, he's moved, and he has remarried. The judge would see that. I hope. I do feel better now. I am just so frustrated.

Oh and I have to mention that last night my father in law being the genius he is left us a message saying that our car financing company was going to come and pick up the car if we didn't call them!!! OMG - I freaked out. We have not missed ONE payment!!! I was yelling at him. He was so quiet. I said - first of all, our payments at MOST have been a few days late. ONE was like 16 days late, but nothing past 30 days. EVER. I CANNOT STAND people that over react. He claims our late payments in the past have caused one of his credit cards to go up to 33 percent interest, and that he couldn't get a business loan because OF US!!! OMG - I about died. I told him very matter of factly last night that I have a report coming from the financial company telling us exactly which payments were made, when they were made, how they were made, by whom they were made, and if ANY payments have been reported to a credit bureau as deliquent. Mother fucker, bring it on. I will PROVE - that iT IS NOT US. That correspondance should be here within a week, not only that - we also called and were verbally told by two different representatives that delinquencies are not reported until an account is 30 days or more OVERDUE. NEVER in the course of owning this car have we EVER had payment turn up that late - also confirmed. Jackass. He's so overextended its his own fault his shit is fucked. I love people that blame others for their dimwitted mistakes. I at least take responsibilities for my irresponsible financial behaviour over the past ten years, but that all ended about two years ago, and let me tell you - it feels fucking grand being on top of shit. BRING IT ON MOTHER FUCKERS. This so has to go on rages journal. It's going to be reposted there. I haven't raged in a while, shit....

nevermind.

Note to self - pick up prozac.

Edit - I'm buying Daryn a cowboy hat - GIDDYUP!!!
 
 
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
 
 
04 May 2006 @ 05:57 pm
GOD or is it GODDESS, whoever you are, where ever you are - where is my mother fucking motivation today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait a minute....

I should ask myself, we have to after all push ourselves, and help these beautiful deities along.

Ah - that pain in my back - its back. What is that from... that is from not moving these beautiful muscles today. I am sure of it. Cause and fucking effect. Right there folks.

Man I'm feeling mad. I have this energy that is building up - and this anger that is resonating from me from this ache that is permeating my lower spine. FUCK I say smiling. It does remind me of the pseudo-reality I'm living in. Is it really pain, or is it my imagination. I bet if I thought about it long enough I could think that pain away. I think I'll go try.

Meditate this . . .
 
 
Current Music: Matchbox 20 - When She Smiles