Yes I am addicted to food just as I am addicted to love, or anything else in life that makes me feel good. It really pisses me off. When is it ever going to change, when am I ever going to change or will I just continually gain weight gradually over the next unknown amount of years of my life just as I have for the past I don't know, maybe 14 years. Ever since my first experience in the sexual realm with a partner. I felt I was being adult to ask my mother to go ahead with the recommended birth control for which I was prescribed by the gyn to take to regulate my irregular cycles. Point blank I told my mother, matter of factly even, that I intended to have sex and would do so whether I was safe or not and I'd rather be safe, so for the safety's sake - please with all due respect dearest mother - allow me to take Birth Control. Hitherto we cut to the following years of weight gain, p.m.s., post-partum depression for which I was accused of being addicted to pills because of by an ex-husband that thought I were addicted if I merely took an anti-imflamatory pill to help with a headache upon occasion. Further depression due to the subsequent weight gain and feeling unworthy of a sexual partner, unworthy of having a faithful spouse, ecetera ecetera ecetera.
Even as I write this my stomach feels full from the frozen coke my husband brought home for me, oh - and the two cans of Chef Boyardi ravioli that we both had while we watched tonights episode of Heros. Oh and what about the entire package of sugar-free Red Vine licorice. What about the rest of the day? Should I name off the other things I've eaten today, the cereal, the apple, the three bologna and cheese sandwiches on wheat, oh and the other bowl of cereal. What am I forgetting, oh yes - I ate a mini-bag of popcorn earlier while my daughter and I watched Disney made-for-tv movies. I'm seeing a definite pattern here of eating and sitting on my ass for long periods of time. Its disgusting, and I feel disgusting, I feel utterly disgusting. I feel really helpless to my cravings for food. I feel like I've been binging for days now. Feeling full and then napping and waking to eat again. I feel numb, and I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. Every time I start something, as in eating healthy, becoming more active, it just ends up this way. Tilting the scale back up as I shove more food into my face despite real achievements in the losing departments in the past. Its like a cycle I get to feeling good, my weight has dropped about 10-15 pounds and then I just say fuck it and I want something, and then that something turns into more somethings, then I'm wanting to stock up on all the "feel-good" foods out there - getting ready for the next fast of not getting to eat those yummy morsels. Its not even chocolate either - I mean, I can take that or leave it. Its real filling food. Any food. Especially sugary chewy sweets. But if I don't have sweets anything will do just as long as I'm stuffing my fat face.
As I said before - truly sickening. I wish I could just sew my mouth shut for a while. Forced reduction of calories. Seriously, someone needs to put a muzzle on me and only allow me liquids. Yummy shakes three times a day. Someone I had no access to would have the key to the muzzle and that's how I would spend the rest of my life, all in the name of losing these dreaded fat rolls on my body. I don't even feel comfortable sitting. Its that bad, I feel like I'm sitting on myself. Its disturbing. Its uncomfortable.
I checked out Medical Weight loss - they want just under $2000 for the program and then the supplements and food would be extra. I'm convinced that nothing works however and that all the money in the world would land me right where I began, sitting here looking pregnant but no babe to show for it. I make me sick.